20 signs you’re a true Vancouverite

Vancouver has a way of captivating her inhabitants.

Vancouver has a way of captivating her inhabitants.

Originally written for The Ubyssey‘s 2014 spoof issue.

• • •

With a population of over 600,000 people, it’s hard to imagine that any two Vancouverites could have much in common. However, take into account that we’re the most densely populated city in the country, and this list will make perfect sense. Here are 20 things we guarantee you can relate to if you live in the glorious city of Vancouver.

1. You can count at least five yoga studios during a 10-minute walk down any commercial street.

2. You’ve taken a photo across the water at False Creek at least once.

3. On your way to work or school, you can count a dozen luxury cars adorned with an N on their bumpers.

4. The sight of overworn yoga pants makes you cringe.

5. You try to dress for the weather, but you’re always wrong.

6. You’re chronically dehydrated due to constant weeping.

7. You don’t go out at night much anymore.

8. You obediently attend your government-mandated yoga sessions with your fellow citizens. It is for your own health.

9. The voices won’t stop.

10. You’ve tried to leave town before, but every time you approach the city limits, you black out and wake up in your bed the next morning with no memory of how you got there.

11. You’re beginning to think something’s not quite right about the strange black glow emanating from Gregor Robertson’s eyes. Have they always been like that? You suppose they must have been.

12. The headaches are getting worse.

13. You struggle to remember a time you didn’t do yoga. But not for long, because thinking non-yoga related thoughts makes you feel ill. Best to avoid it.

14. There is nothing outside of Vancouver. Vancouver always was, and always will be.

15. You have violent nightmares every night, waking up in a cold sweat every few hours, but you can never remember what the nightmares were about.

16. You’ve given up trying to get the blood out of your yoga pants.

17. You’ve seen the spark of human intelligence in the eyes of the raccoons living in your back alley. You swear you’ve heard them speaking in human voices. But it’s no human language you recognize.

18. The voices won’t stop. The voices won’t stop. The voices won’t stop. The voices won’t stop. The voices won’t stop. The voices won’t stop. The voices w

19. The TV screen in your apartment has suddenly gone blank. At first, this is distressing. How will you know when to proceed to your next government-mandated yoga session? You collapse to the floor and curl into the fetal position. An indeterminate amount of time passes — maybe an hour, maybe a day. But eventually, you feel the sensation of a dense fog being lifted. It’s like a thousand-pound weight has been removed from your shoulders. You stand up, wiping the vomit from your mouth. You’re — you’re free. Finally, you’re free. For the first time you can remember, you feel really and truly alive. You run toward the door, screaming jubilantly in the street, fists raised in triumph, but your voice is as nothing against the chaos you see around you. Black helicopters fill the sky like ravens. The ground shakes. “STAND DOWN, CITIZEN,” booms a voice over an unseen loudspeaker. A sudden panic rises in your throat. A searing, white-hot pain pierces the base of your skull, radiating outward to the rest of your body. It is impossible to think of anything but the all-consuming pain. Everything goes dark.

20. When planning to dine out with friends, the first suggestion is always a sushi place.

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